Log in

No account? Create an account
14 October 2012 @ 12:36 am
in between pretty and perfect. there is me. too fat to be perfect and too good looking i mean plain. i am too tall to n=be normal and too short to be a model. what is 30 or 40 pounds/? what is it to be beautiful? confidence? demenor? who is th e model woman. someone who doesn't care but is better than what people think she is. what am i to do. stay with a man that loves her or run away from simple problems to be with someone who can change her into the thing that society wants her to be. think feel love hate when does it become about what she wants and less about what she thinks they want her to want. when is it okay to persue true deep emotion. a child and a husband. a life not what she is living but what she out to what to what want? the pain doesn't stop because he comforts her. the needs don't subside cuz he provides. the constant ache that she feels the the constant pain that she feels for her unborn and unthought of children. his unwanted child her unfullfilled dreams. the hate and love and frustrations. skin pores lines and age. post humuos calmness back breaking labor or nothing of substance cold and hunger. what does it matter id=f the food tastes good nand the house is clean if ther is noone to call and nothing to pass on. fashions fasde.. fascade fake growing walls of abandonment covering a gap of intermniable rage and self loathing regret and missed connection on cl for men she doesn't love but need to feel anthing. a kiss a hug someone to hold in the cold someone who makes her feel something anything. besides the bland normal vanilla not even vanilla the unscented unflavored LOVE that is a misconception of her twisted distorted loathing of her current currency for emotions. the zombie man who whips fire and throws swords is nothing and everything the embodiment of her insecurities and confidence. and then nothing fills her mind. nothing blank empty refuge in dishes and laundry th e comforting cycle and pattern routine and distancing. what good is money or companionship if noone feels the warms of his skin. the warmth of her laughter is lost on him that criticizes her dreams. broken hands on broken hearts for nothing. an empty bed and and and and and and and and excuses for stupidity which should hurt and does. drink to stop the screams and smoke to stop the running hurtful words to cut the muscles of a healthy woman who longs for normalcy patents for a patient and and and and yelps screams music frustration and calmness for a person that would remain as the worst hell and the best motivator. dry wrinkled flesh and cold bones ever so delicately covered in flesh disguise misleading to outsiders convinced of her stupidity. just keep breathing and hope it gets better hope is killing me hope is killing dreams ....and hope s all i have. and and and what else???time. fuck time the constant reminder of wars and words. what are you watching wher are you going who is what and when and how and why and who why who...who. who am i to you? who am i to him? who is she to us?when does it end? does it end? why would you want it to? do you talk to hear yourself? is this the defining moment? what are you watching? a dry ass documentary or cartoons juvenile stupid cartoons an escape. im trying to escape and so help me G-d if you don't let me escape through here you'll regret saying the words that cause me to escape though se some other means any means necessary est. it is a necessary evil to get out of f\ones head for a while. what does it matter people in lives you'll never fully comprehend for their motives it for them we do these things and change who we are. adapt and overcome the situations we are forced to deal with. you sister is dead. who fucking cares. f don't let anyone else in in in in to into the darkness of the mind of a serial liar. a pathological liar. forced to deal with inadequacies. mine yours. everyone's

isn't it funny. histaric. motorcycles and ambulances. cold bitter winds forcing metallic tubes to thrust themselves n each other and the resulting shriek of the encounter forced on our ears and ignored by the masses worn through. my heart worn through. the hope of another without prejudice and whose decisions aren't tainted with previous descriptions. between. what they want and where i think i am.stuck with out warning only a mothers favoritism and a father s neglect turned obsession. what i was didn't want you and what i am can't live without you. ambivalence embodied in a drunk woman's rant.what i was doesn't want you what i am cant breathe without you. who i am cant stand you and who i was couldn't move with out you. DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE do i have to tell you i have no will of my own.................i have no will to live only the will to not suffer. please don't make me suffer. not any more. i cant cry one more time.if i start i don't know if i can stop. stop stop. does anything stop if not just take a break and sort things pout and return right back where it was. left off. lift off. blast off.
Current Mood: numb nothing
Current Music: portishead~only you.
24 September 2012 @ 02:19 pm

my laptop & phone were confiscated by my ex. I hav a droid I used to use as a phone that gives me web access. I feel so trapped. if I want to go for a run he makes fun of me. if I want to smoke= I stink. watch t.v. = im lazy. god forbid I start working out in the living room.= breaking the furniture & looking retarded. its so frustrating. Im supposed to be buying a car but he takes my money for "rent" yeah. im broke stuck in an lease with my ex and gaining weight. whatev. now that im bak online I can keep my bankcard from being used without my permission. he told me I fucked up rice a roni. RICE A RONI?!??!?!!! I said im following the directions! it says cover and simmer goddamnnit! COVER AND SIMMER! not uncover and boil jackasshole. ughh.....its so pretty outside but even though he's not here I feel trapped. don't go anywhere cuz ur doin drugs and sex everytime u leave. ill just sit around and eat. that's the only thing that's okay to him.

15 June 2012 @ 03:08 pm

16 April 2012 @ 10:17 am
Now I know what I need to do it's called a feeding tube and you can have 1 in through your nose for like 10 days inn it helps you lose weight

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

17 March 2012 @ 12:20 pm
The Options
Drizzle lemon vinaigrette on a spinach and strawberry salad. Or add chopped red bell peppers to chickpeas for a side dish. At meals where you're mixing iron and C, try to avoid tea, whole grains, and dairy products—all of which inhibit nonheme-iron absorption. (i don't like milk anyway...)
17 March 2012 @ 12:17 pm
i find myself having trouble loosing and so i start doing research.

Low Thyroid

Located at the base of your neck—and barely larger than the knot in a bow tie—the thyroid gland controls your body's metabolic speed by producing the hormones T4 and T3. If it churns out too little—as may happen in 12 to 15 percent of women at midlife—"all the processes in your body slow down," says Alan Farwell, MD, chairman of patient education and advocacy for the American Thyroid Association. The result: decreased endurance and a sluggish mind.

Why It's Overlooked: "Some people are very sensitive to small changes in thyroid hormones," Farwell says, "even when their numbers aren't low enough to qualify for treatment. After age 70, 25 percent of women may have subclinical or mild hypothyroidism."

Other Symptoms: Weight gain. Feeling cold. Constipation. Dry skin and hair. Depression. I was put on Trazodone for 'depression' and I am anemic. both symptoms...wow. and my Nurse mom didn't see this?!?! fuckballs...

Tests: You'll get blood checks for levels of T4 and thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH). High TSH plus low T4 is a sign of full-blown hypothyroidism, but pay attention if your TSH is high and your T4 is normal—you may have mild hypothyroidism, which should still be treated.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/health/Why-Youre-Tired-Causes-of-Fatigue#ixzz1pOKWfYR3
27 February 2012 @ 09:09 pm
Im so jealous of that Bitch. I had to eat something. I was too naseaous. I had like 8 ritz crackers.

PS after reading my last post I think I wasn't talk2text-ing very well.I think I was slurring my words.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

27 February 2012 @ 06:26 pm
The last the last time I ate was yesterday at lunch at 3 o'clock. I ate cottage cheese half a cup today I think and a oxy. I drank 2 cups of coffee and then I took the oxy at 340. Anthony mean really busy and kinda nauseous and I've just been laying down I haven't been able to workout I just laid here I'm so nauseous my neck is still really hurts. I can't wait and it's at me into this downward spiral I'm 138 now but it just seems like so much it to seem so high I just wanna lose I just wanna workout I'm too dizzy.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

09 January 2012 @ 04:24 pm
i have to choose right now between going to Costa Rica with O or staying with my ex. omg. i would have to repack and move out again and then me and o would have to sign a lease together and i would have to pack for Rica and then cancel the bachelorette party! omg. i have to choose. O said he wants to send me a ticket to fly down and  join him! i cant stay that long. i only get 7 day vaca. shit. see?!?! i get all skinny and tan and i get a sponsor again. i can't hide my moving from my ex. i know the lease here is up in march but how do i save up and get a new place without him? i don't even have a car rite now? i put all my food money into tanning and my savings into new clothes and hair, oh and flats. He's two inches shorter than me. what sponsor wants to have to dress there woman?

48 hours. O is being picked-up for the airport in 48  hours. he'll be gone for a month. Damn.

135lbs and tan. 5'8" and brunette with low lights.
i was 137lbs. i was so proud of myself. i feel so fat now. i've been eating out of emotional issues. ive been keeping up with water and fiber but i don't think it's been enough. i know i want to go weigh myself. i'll do laundry then do it. one more load and then i'll get on the scale...